Moriarity the Mystery Cat

An Spailpín Fánach has been having a bad day. Perhaps this would explain my confusion at the publication today of the Moriarty Tribunal Report, or, to give it its full title – big breath – the “Report of the Tribunal of Inquiry into Payments to Politicians and Related Matters Part I.” The Part I is significant, as we shall discover.

There has been a big media brouhaha over this publication – Charlie Bird, RTÉ’s Chief News Correspondent, was on Morning Ireland this morning, breathlessly telling the nation what to expect from the Tribunal report – or at least, that part of the nation that a, doesn’t know full well already and b, still gives a toss. Charlie Bird fascinates An Spailpín, you know – how many other journalists need a ghost writer to write their “auto” biography? His own life story, and he can’t tell it? I don’t know. But back to the other Charlie.

It seems clear that the Moriarty Tribunal has identified our late Taoiseach as a bastard, a bollocks and a son of a bitch. Fair enough. As the good book says, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Paul to the Romans, 3:23, you know). But there was one name that An Spailpín heard on a report this morning that’s been puzzling him all day, so I thought I’d throw it up here and see if anyone salutes.

Lowry.

Why isn’t anybody talking about Lowry?

Former Fine Gael TD and party fundraiser extraordinaire Michael Lowry is the reason that we have the Tribunals in the first place. If it weren’t for Lowry’s gross incompetence in the stroke department, not only would Charlie have got the State funeral he got anyway, but there might even have been human sacrifice thrown in as well, with maybe the whole thing turning into a riotous bacchanal just this side of a Mel Gibson picture. But instead Charlie was caught in the undertow in the Lowry mess and now the coffin dancers are limbering up once again for a jig and a reel.

Which is another part of what’s bothering your faithful correspondent. It’s the Part I of this report that I mentioned earlier – why is Haughey Part I, and not Lowry?

Now, the obvious answer is that it’s because Haughey is by far the bigger of the fish – he did the State some service, whereas Lowry did it none at all. But the thing is, the Tribunal has been dealing with Lowry and Lowry-related issues for far longer than it has Haughey. Also, Lowry was in there first. In fact, it’s been some years since Lowry was before his honour so you’d think the typing could have Ben Dunne (oh God, I’m good) by now. But it’s not. Instead we get the usual stuff about Haughey that the world and his wife knows already and that doesn’t matter a tu’penny damn to anyone’s life. And if anybody thinks all this chat does make a difference, maybe he or she can drop me a line and explain it, as I’m damned if I can see.

The only reasons that I can figure out for giving Charlie another couple of welts in the guts and kicking the Lowry thing even further into touch is because either a, Lowry is still alive and might remember where a few bodies are buried yet, b, Fine Gael is in such a heap that the spotlight is taken off them out of sheer pity for the wretched of the earth or c, both of the above. But that’s all I can figure. If anybody reading this thinks that Irish political graft and corruption is over now that Charlie Haughey is six feet under, drop me an email – I have a little parcel of land you might be interested in buying.

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